Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
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If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.