My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
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Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.