My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
You Might Also Like
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
lmao
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
socratic questions
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.