Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
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Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
started wrapping my pills in cheese
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.