Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
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Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine