[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
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i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
doing some research
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
We all have our pet causes.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.