If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
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This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’