[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
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Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert