Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
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In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Blew out my flip flop…
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!