*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
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When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
welp
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
can’t talk my ride’s here
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.