Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
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I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.