me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
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Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
S/o to @funTweeters .
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
I never needed anything more in my life
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon