I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
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It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Sorry not sorry.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Breaking news:
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none