TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
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i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
you have three unread messages
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
What even happened today?