Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
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I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.