favorite tropes as memes
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[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
When I laugh on my period
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.