It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
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[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp