my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
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“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Sharon I have some bad news
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
<—- homeless romantic
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…