Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
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i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗