A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
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taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
I know
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.