My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
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People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
What if the weather talks about us?
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.