Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
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whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*