Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
You Might Also Like
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.