I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
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interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
What a kind woman! 😂😂
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???