Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
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Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
oh u like geography? name every lake
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?