10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
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90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
wish me luck lads
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”