[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
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I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
apparently this year was written by stephen king
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.