To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
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Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.