Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
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if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.