I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
You Might Also Like
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said