[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
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Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
At an art museum and I thought this was art
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts