Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
You Might Also Like
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
#Caturday
I didn’t come here to be called names
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…