[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
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Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.