There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
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JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it