My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
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Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us