Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
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Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*