I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
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Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?