The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
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If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what