Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
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I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
It鈥檚 like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn鈥檛 it
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I鈥檓 not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Maybe it鈥檚 love, or maybe she just can鈥檛 unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don鈥檛 have any
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn鈥檛 leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
馃幎 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 馃幎
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Note to self: I am a note
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Google reviews are always so mixed..
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
japanese corn
11鈥檚 science fair volcano lost because they didn鈥檛 appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?