I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
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the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
motivation
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.