[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
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I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
I’ve had worse
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
How dude HOW?!
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.