That’s it.I’m out.
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In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??