Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
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heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Time heals everything 🙂