If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
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“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
The internet is magic sometimes.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.