FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
You Might Also Like
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.