*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
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Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.