No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
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Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ