I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
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We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out