Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
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why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?