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Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.